The destruction of our tree

It is night and my glands are sore, I feel feverish and I have a cough. I can hear my kids watching t.v. behind the thin wall that separates my bedroom from the family room. I am sitting up on the bed, over the burgundy fleecy blanket that belonged to my father..I think soon I will drape my shivering body in it. David is next to me working away on the lovely turn-of-the-century table we bought from a local antique store that was closing shop.

My mind is swirling right now. I am thinking of the tree that stood infront of our house since its construction in the 1940s, if not before. Yesterday it was chopped down and even though it was a relief in important ways because it would no longer threaten our safety..I thought of the home it had been for its animals. Yesterday, birds and squirrels were furiously knocking on our windows, as if to tell us how upset they were by the destruction of their home. Today, a low stump is all that remains.

Today was cold, all day. I sat in the waiting area, waiting for Ella to finish her ballet class. I went home, and immediately climbed under the covers where I have spent most of the day. I am exhausted, my thoughts are slowly fading into the darkness that seeps its way in at night.

Fall

This week Ross started grade 3..it has been a good week for him. He seems to like his new teacher and is busy making new friends. Ella started Junior Kindergarten and today was her first full day. I am so accustomed to always having her there that it actually made me feel quite miserable to not hear her laughter, or her walking or skipping around the house, or her talking to herself. I went grocery shopping, then I watered the garden and put some laundry away. I put her ballet clothes away for her so that I'll know where to find them for her ballet class. I hope she'll still be interested in ballet this year because she really is quite graceful.

Lately Ella has been liking the sound that the crunchy leaves make under her feet. Normally I dread fall because it is making way for winter, but today she made the sound of fall leaves sound like music.

I wish i could sign up my very talented son for drama lessons. He loved the theatre camp this summer and I thought he would enjoy a similar outlet this fall. But he seems exhausted and it wouldn't be right to push him.

Fall

I am in my garden looking at the great bunches of red impatients all around me. By the swing, on both sides, they have swollen into 2 gorgeous mounds. And under the Juniper tree as well, a great red slope of flowers. The leaves have started to fall. The flowers on the hostas are no longer
fragrant and my lilies of the valley have dried up. My roses however, are still busy making blooms on their thin red branches. The white ones smell like the Italian body talc that my mother used to powder me with after a bath. The sunset tinged ones smell of jasmine.

I am watching Ross in his playfort. He decided he wanted a tree fort so he pruned back our cedar tree, and it's cut branches now adorn the wood spindles of his fort. Ella is spending time talking to her imaginary daughter. She has 4, and this one by far, is her favourite. She hasnt' said that she is her favourite, but her actions speak louder than her words. At this moment she is pretending to buckle her into her silver toy car. Apparently it is Urella's birthday today so she gave her a present, and now apparently her daughter is sharing her toys with her little mommy. So as I write, Ella is now walking around the car with a purple haired doll in her hands talking animatedly.

Ross is looking like an English gentleman with his navy shirt tucked under his wool vest. He even sports a tie most days. I wish I could send him to a private school because he'd love the whole uniform thing. But we don't have the money to send him to that kind of school

Ella looks like a little fairy, with longish wavy hair, a pale yellow dress, big blue eyes on a small face. Her rainboots kind of detract from this picture, but she put on the first things she could find to go outside.

Ross just found a sleepy worm by our garden box, so he moved it into the back garden so it won't be stepped on. He seems to love insects of any kind. He found a large creepy looking bug on the bike path the other day, and he picked it up lovingly to examine it. Then he tried to find a safe place for it under the trees. Bees, and hornets don't frighten him. It looks as is he was bitten on his face but hasn't said anything about it.

He loves bumblebees like the rest of us. Their quiet, unassuming ways.

I want to remember this moment. I wish all moments were like this. With children, in shorts, watching fall's first blush on leaves and seedum. I dislike the winter..wearing heavy coats and layers, boots, hats. Having to face cold, icy, snowy days.

Dad, in my garden

I was sitting in my family room with my children, when I looked out my window to check to make sure the wind hadn't knocked down a blanket i had hung up to dry. Next to it, I thought I saw my Dad standing there in his pale blue shirt. Am I falling asleep.. Am I awake? Was it really him standing next to the blanket that had once covered him when he slept? In his warm burgandy and white fleecy blanket which now I cuddle into when I sleep.

I admit to feeling tired tonight. Tomorrow my son and I will be attending the Gordon Lightfoot event and most exciting af all, my brother will be unveiling his bust of Mr. Lightfoot.

My daughter who isn't feeling well, is pretending she will be going to the Ball tonight. And my son is watching The Temple of Doom. My husband is listening to a lecture. I should be writing an article tonight.

The bees

It feels as if Fall is here. Another cold morning...too cold for the bumblebees. Their dried up golden bodies still clinging to the thin branches of plants in our herb garden. Only yesterday they worked fervently moving plant to plant, as if extracting something delicious. Today they are lifeless, and I remember how much I love bumblebees. How this summer, they let me get close to them, seemed unafraid of me. Or perhaps, unaware of me.

The missing tooth and the tooth fairy

I'll never forget the time that Ross came back from having a playdate at Ivor's house. He'd had such a great time but yet he looked preoccupied with worry. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he had been playing in Ivor's basement when Ivor had accidentally punched him out and that his tooth had accidentally fallen out. And he was okay he'd said, only he'd lost the tooth and it was somewhere in his friend's basement. They had looked everywhere but they couldn't find it anywhere, and he was worried that he would not get that special visit from the tooth fairy if he couldn't provide the missing tooth. Ivor's mom had even promised to put off vacuuming for a few days in case the tooth were to turn up. The tooth never did turn up, so we surmised that the tooth fairy had found it after all. So one morning, Ross discovered a gold coin under his pillow, and was sure that this was proof of the special visit he'd been waiting for.

Ella and Nadya

Ella asked me today to write about Nadya, her first friend. I've written about Ivor, her brother who was also Ross' true first and best friend. So here it goes. Nadya and Ella were 3 when they met and there was a bond right off the bat. They took to another very well, and looked so much alike that others thought they were sisters. They loved another, and played generally very well, but like sisters, they had their fights too. And quite often, they both needed a nap to melt their frustration with another. Ella would curl up on Nadya's bed, and they would take turns flipping through pages of bedtime books, and tell each other stories. Sometimes they would actually fall asleep, with a baby blanket, often a quilt Heidi had made, wrapped around them.

One day they got into a lot of mischief. Ella stayed behind at Nadya's house and while I was away they managed to get into paint and painted the carpet as well as themselves. It took a while scrubbing it out of Ella's hair and off her skin but I can't imagine the time it took for Heidi to scrub it off her carpet and anywhere else it had gone.

We often referred to the girls as twins. They were so much alike. They loved to dance when they were together. They would take turns turning up the volume when listening to Heidi's radio and dance. Sometimes the music got too loud and turned a little into a battle of wills.

The last time we saw Nadya, we turned on one of Ella's favourite songs, Dancing Queen. Ella grabbed on to Nadya's hand and they danced and looked so happy to be together doing the thing they loved most..to dance. I was a little heartbroken..because I knew Ella was having so much fun, she hadn't been this happy since seeing her friend months before. I was heartbroken knowing that this happiness would turn to sadness when she would have to see her friend leave once more for her home in a different province.

She often compares other little girls to Nadya but they are not the same. And this lack of sameness is so hard for Ella. She dreams of her forever friend and looks forward to a time when they will dance.